Turn Up the Heat on Your Summer Romance

Summer Romance

By Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D. 

Now that summer’s here, what better time to heat up your relationship? No longer cooped up by cold dark days, it’s time to throw open the doors and together venture out. 

Since John’s favorite adventure is visiting a bookstore while mine is tramping up mountains, not surprisingly we differ somewhat about the virtues of summer. We’re like that movie, “The Odd Couple,” a 1960’s tale of two roommates who are total opposites of each other. Each summer John rails against that “yellow stuff” (sunshine) and wants to stay indoors, while I’ll do anything to stay outside. So how does this “odd couple” find summer romance? 

Thankfully, we both love the sea. John armors himself with a wide brimmed old straw hat and 50 SPF sunscreen, and together we jump into our double sea kayak and take off for far away islands. The secret to boating together? No criticisms or “corrections” allowed. Instead, in order to sync up we sing together and paddle in rhythm to our tunes. Only the seals can hear us, and so far they haven’t complained.

Here are some other ideas for summer romance: The tried-and-true picnic is standard summer fare. But make it special by taking along the Love Map and Open-Ended Questions Card Deck for updating your Love Maps. John and I recently sat out on our deck for three days taking turns answering every single card. Even after 25 years, we still had more to learn about each other. And if you’re so inclined, stash the Salsa Deck of your choice in your picnic basket for more "spicy" topics.

Setting up an air mattress outside and sleeping under the stars can sweeten your nights, too. Or hopping in your car with some weekend supplies and heading for the nearest campground! If you’re not fond of the outdoors, try an all-weekend movie marathon at your local cinema. Just make sure the theatre is air-conditioned. Afterwards, there’s lots to talk about: Which was your favorite movie, and why? Who was your favorite character? What was your favorite scene? Discussed over ice cream, of course.

And our favorite summer activity? Our annual honeymoon. Every year around anniversary time we ferry up to Salt Spring Island off the coast of British Columbia, our kayak in tow. Though married much longer, we discovered the joys of this annual ritual of connection 13 years ago, and we’ve been repeating it every year since. We always stay in the same B&B and visit the same restaurant where they know John will order only his favorite dish, weinerschnitzel, like his mother used to make.

By now we’ve also gathered a circle of friends, artists, and writers, who we look forward to seeing year after year. Best of all, there is no internet and no cellphone reception, leaving us with endless hours of nothing but each other. And that’s the sweetest of all.

Happy summer to you and yours!

_________________________________________

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2014/07/featured-blogger-julie-gottman-phd.html

The A Word ...

Anxiety …

Oh that lovely A-word. Those of us who experience it know all too well when that Beast rears his ugly head and stares us square in the eyes. Our hearts beat out of our chests, we become shaky, our thoughts seemed fogged, and then comes the maddening irritation that bubbles up from the deepest, darkest depths within us when we suddenly hear, “Oh relax” or “Geez, chill out!” from those who get to experience our own lovely anxiety, from the outside.

And hearing this never truly helps, does it? Having someone, who seems annoyed by your “nonsensical and irrational” fear, worry or over-concern for something in the moment can feel as if they’re mocking you. In your mind, you hear this little voice saying “Get it together already – you’re fine, this isn’t that big of a deal!” You almost feel as if you should be walking around with that scarlet A on your chest, as if experiencing anxiety first hand wasn’t bad enough - it feels as if the entire world sees you at your most vulnerable and laughs. It’s quite a lonely place to be sometimes. You and your A. Yuck.

There are numerous ways to try and “relax” or “chill out” but I’m going to share three that most of my clients report, by doing them, they feel an almost immediate sensations of calm.

By doing one or all of these, you can grab the reigns and take back some control the next time you feel “The Beast” rearing its ugly head.

Let me break this down for you:

1) You can get all Zen-like: which typically looks like you closing your eyes, placing your hands on your belly, and doing what’s called “belly breathing.” Deep breaths in through your nose for 4 counts, letting your hands rise on your belly during the in-breath and slowly exhale for 4 counts feeling your hands fall as your belly releases on the out-breath.  Repeat for 5 counts, 6 counts, 7 counts … whatever you need until you’re feeling more relaxed. This takes practice – so don’t stress if “nothing’s working! This is taking too long!” It’s supposed to take some time. Just breathe – you’re giving your central nervous system a bit of a massage – so enjoy!

2) You can get physical: If you’re sitting down – stand up and walk. Pace if you must but get moving. If you’re not in a position where you can get up and move – stay seated/laying down/etc. and place your palms on opposite shoulders, so that your arms are crossed at your chest and just tap, one palm at a time, like your gently drumming. Get into a rhythm, be gentle, focus on the tapping and feel the air you’re breathing through your nostrils and the soothing, touches that you feel. (These are called butterfly hugs- works wonders for anxious kids too!) This can also be done by gently tapping the tops of your thighs, if you’re in a seated position. Again, gently, thoughtfully as if you’re nurturing a small child or animal that needs a sensation of calm. (Tapping IS a thing by the way – it creates something called bilateral stimulation, which is a way that your brain processes things but that’s a whole separate topic so you can read more about it here if you want.)

3) You can flex your cognitive muscle or just call it “Trickery:” In a sense you’re tricking your brain by distracting it. Next time you feel that big A-word sneaking up on you – stop and challenge yourself with one of the following:

-       Look around you and notice everything that’s RED (or pick another color) and name it, list it, count it … something. Identify all things this color until you’ve relaxed.

-       Look around and find 10 things small enough to fit in your pocket – if you can, pick them up, feel for weight, textures, and of course size. (No stealing though – seriously put it back!)

-       Close your eyes and listen, feel, and just be – name 3 things you experience using your senses other than your eyes: smells, sounds, tastes, and feelings.

How’s all that for trickery?! 

Bam – try and mess with me now, Anxiety! 

 

These are three basic, easy to do, takes practice and self-compassion kind of things that anyone can do when The Beast shows up. These may not help in times of sheer panic, or serious phobias but for the low-grade anxiety wave that comes over you like the mouth-watering smell of popcorn at the movies – try these out!

Anxiety is my thing … not only do I find myself successfully managing it on a daily basis, I deeply enjoy helping others learn to do the same. 

If you find yourself struggling with anxiety that gets in the way of enjoying life – call me, I’d like to help 714-390-1652 or email me at Robyn@TherapywithRobyn.com

Group Therapy - Ooh Me Too!

Have you ever considered group therapy but then found yourself thinking ...  

“No one honestly cares about what’s going on with ME - especially not a room full of strangers.”  

“What can people struggling with the same things I am, tell me that I don’t already know?” 

Well, you’re not alone. Although you may be apprehensive initially, group counseling is a powerful venue for growth and change and can actually be fun!

The group format is one of the most effective tools for addressing issues common among individuals with similar challenges. There are many kinds of groups, offered to many people, structured in many ways:

• Groups for women, men, and mixed groups.
• Groups for specific populations: teens, care-givers, LGBTQ, widows, adult children of alcoholics, etc.
• Groups focused on offering skills to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, grief/loss, mental illness, etc. 
• Open Groups: no set number of groups and anyone can attend, anytime. 
• Closed Groups: structured, set number of groups, must register to attend. 
• Groups are typically small (6-8 participants) to keep the environment safe, comfortable and easily engaging. 

Most people, though somewhat uncertain at first, report that the group experience was helpful far beyond their expectations. What are some of the benefits for group therapy, you ask? 

1. People participating in the group can see that there are others going through the same thing, which can help them feel less alone. (I can’t tell you how many times I hear “Ooh me too!”)
2. By seeing someone who is successfully coping with a problem, other members of the group can see that hope & change are possible.
3. Group therapy is very cost effective - instead of focusing on just one client at a time, the therapist can devote his or her time to a much larger group of people.
4. The setting allows people to practice behaviors and actions within the safety and security of the group.

Now, let’s be honest - it’s a little daunting to think about walking into a room, full of strangers and talking about our most intimate problems, secrets, struggles, and even failures. There’s nothing easy about joining a group of random people, who are going to talk about themselves in ways that may be uncomfortable or surprising. As human beings we will do ANYTHING to shield ourselves from the discomfort of the unknown - I get that. But I also know that it takes more courage to ask for help, to be vulnerable with others and to share honestly about personal struggles than it does to put on that facade day in and day out, HOPING and PRAYING that something will magically shift. (BTW: it won’t without a little effort.)

So the next time you find yourself considering group therapy, I challenge you to shift your focus. I challenge you to think:

“I'm not alone and I'm ready for that "Oooh me too!" kind of experience.”

“I have value to bring to a group full of people, struggling just like me.”

“I am eager to learn from, listen to and receive guidance from others, in a way that I’ve never tried.”

If you’re tired of getting advice from friends via text and Facebook posts - flex your bravery muscle and call me today – I’d like to help: 714-390-1652. 
---------------------------------------------------------------

Current Group at OC Therapy Group 

Healthy Relationships - Women's Group 

3 Corporate Park, Suite 235  Irvine, CA  92606
Meets Tuesdays from 6-7pm; $50/person

Healthy Relationships, a therapy group for women, focuses on empowerment in relationships with others and self. The goal of this group is to provide women with the opportunity to bring attention to that which is and is not working in their lives. There are times for learning and practicing new life and communication skills and to try on new behaviors. Each woman is encouraged to work at her own pace toward her personal goals. There is no pressure to reveal private information until you feel ready to do so.

This is a wonderful opportunity to connect, learn, laugh, and experience the wisdom, camaraderie, and compassion of other women.


Please join me in the journey of self-discovery - call today to sign up! 714-390-1652 
Visit my website for more information TherapywithRobyn.com

So, Do You Take My Insurance?

For many people, using insurance is the only way they would ever consider paying for therapy. For some, it’s out of necessity but for others it's all they've ever known. 

When someone calls to ask about getting started in therapy, or for more information about the services I provide – one of the first questions is “So, do you take my insurance?”

When I say, “No, I don’t,” I typically hear shock and confusion on the other end of the line, “Hold on, you don’t accept insurance? That’s how I pay for ALL my other doctor’s visits, why is this any different?””

You (and they) heard me correctly, I do not take insurance as payment for therapy. Many therapists do take insurance, and that works for them but it simply does not work for me – let me explain why.

As a licensed therapist, working with insurance companies is cumbersome and can truly inhibit and even dictate the course of treatment. This is not good for you (the client) or me (the provider). I mean - who would ever want an insurance company to dictate their mental health treatment? Yikes!

When a mental health provider bills your insurance for therapy services, your insurance provider requires very personal information about you and your treatment in order to ensure that you have met what’s called “medical necessity.”

“Medical necessity” means that you have a mental health diagnosis that is so severe, that it negatively impacts your daily functioning. In other words, your ability to go to work/school, the quality of your social interactions, and/or your ability to shower, feed and/or provide shelter for yourself is significantly impaired. Do you know what this means? It means that I must prove to them that your diagnosis is disabling you from functioning as an individual and most times this simply isn’t the case with my clients.

Most insurance companies also require treatment plans, which are my notes that outline the issues we are working on in therapy and the goals we have set to help you resolve the issues you are working on. At any time through out treatment, the insurance company can decide that you are no longer in need of therapy. This is a double-edged sword since our collaborative goal (yours and mine) is to get you feeling better and out of therapy when you (the client) and I (in my clinical judgment) feel you are ready – not when the insurance company says that you’re ready.

As if that’s not intrusive enough, some insurance carriers only approve a certain number of visits and require reauthorization by asking the therapist to share even more of your personal information with the health insurance provider each time you need more sessions. At that point, once more, the insurance company decides whether you should continue treatment or not. Now you're out of visits covered by your insurance but you don't feel like you've addressed the issues you went into therapy to address, explore or resolve.

How ridiculous is that?


Here’s the deal, my clients’ right to privacy and to be in charge of their own mental health treatment is so important to me, that I’ve chosen not to accept insurance. Also, most of my clients don’t meet the required “Medical Necessity” I mentioned earlier – they’re functioning pretty well overall and coming to discuss/resolve relationship hardships, explore self-esteem issues, and have a strong desire to live a more enjoyable and balanced life.

Please don’t let the cost of therapy scare you away. Getting help from a qualified, competent and compassionate therapist is worth the investment in your mental health. Insurance is a great resource to have, and can be helpful when things get so bad that daily life has gotten impossible. The reality is, if you invest in your health early on and are proactive with your mental health, then experiencing greater struggles later on in life are less likely.


How important is your mental health?

Visit my website  TherapywithRobyn.com

Keep in mind, sometimes paying more out of pocket for a therapist who you really connect with that is outside of your network can really make a big difference in how you experience therapy.

So, take time to review your insurance benefits, see where you can make adjustments or where you can be flexible financially and then purposefully pick that remarkable therapist, who you connect with and start your healing process.

If you are ready to make changes in your life, call me today – I’d like to help: 714-390-1652.

You, Yourself and ... YOU?

"No matter where you go, there you are." 

I was facilitating a therapy group when my co-facilitator said this to the group. It was a comment that everyone sort of chuckled at, nodded their heads to and raised a brow of acceptance when they heard it and kept moving along.

I had a different experience when I heard this. I repeated it in my mind "No matter where you go, there you are." It was so matter of fact. It was not an opinion. Nothing was being sugar-coated. In a way I appreciated its unapologetic honesty, and yet it terrified me at the same time.

No matter where you go, there you are. There it was again. The reminder that no matter who I'm talking to, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what I'm going through - I'm still there. Me. Robyn ... with all my struggles, triumphs, challenges and strengths. There I am.

OK - SO NOW WHAT?

The questions began to swirl in my mind "But what do I do with that awareness? How does it shape how I talk to, feel about, think about, treat, support, say no to, say yes to, advocate for, stand against ... others as well as myself? How does knowing that I'm always me, dictate how I live ... minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day?"

While facilitating this group, we normalized feelings that spanned from anxiety about the week off of work to attend the group, devastation from losing the baby only 3 hours after birth, mania due to not taking prescribed medication, loneliness because family just moved 2,000 miles away, to joy because today was day 9 of 10 in group and healing and transformation had occurred. Each one of these people in front of me showed up as they were - unapologetically themselves. They were vulnerable and risked exposure of Self when they shared - yet it was that very risk that transformed them, day after day that they showed up. Day after day they pulled their anxious, depressed, devastated and lonely bodies from bed, got dressed and showed up. They discussed the parts of them that made up who they were. Day after day they exposed more of themselves to one another.

ALL MY PARTS - EXPOSED

This inspired me to reconsider the scariness of presently, gently and compassionately being where ever you go. All of you is there - not just parts of you.

• The hilarious parts that your best friend laughs with.
• The annoying parts that your partner rolls their eyes at. 
• The uncomfortable parts that show up when you least want them. 
• The adventurous parts that when they DO show up - surprise the heck out of you 
• The worn out parts that "just don't have the energy to care about anyone but myself today." 

This revealed to me the power and magnificence in accepting ME ... all those unique parts of me.

YOU, YOURSELF and YOU. 

Every so often, take the time to remind yourself that you have value, you have purpose, you have life and you have love ... so where ever you are, who ever you're with, what ever you're doing, remember - there you are.

(Photo source: http://www.nurturingart.com/expressions_self_love.html)